when i finally got rid of one problem another problem comes up. fine. so i won't understand wat it means to be emo. i won't understand wat it means to haf problems. i mean.. i am like the only happy-go-lucky kid wif no freaking feelings or problems or concerns for anything around me. NEWSFLASH..! I DO! whether u realise it or not. I DO! wat u said slapped me rite in the face and i seriously didn't noe whether u could ever hurt me more. seriously. fine. u're the only person who puts on a mask to cover watever u feel is it? i am not saying so wat. big deal. but really. tink of others around u. i noe u won't noe wat's going on wif me.. cuz i havent been telling u much. and it's not ur fault. it's cuz i really can't say it out. no matter how much i wanna tell it.. i can't.
fine. u decide for urself whether wat u said to me tat day.. abt me not being able to understand how it feels to feel sad and all tat.
PROBLEM 1 [1 mth ago]: my brother stole money again. he stole it once and my parents sent him to the police station and they had to ask my parents to give him another chance. but anywae. ya. he stole it again. and he was kicked out of the house. my mum was crying her eyes out. and alr she has health problems. and all tat. nevamind. i had to look after my brother. i in turn took money from my mummy and passed it to him so tat at least in case of emergency he could use it. of course i got all the scoldings and everything. asked my frens to look after him. at 3 in the morning i snucked out so tat i could see if he was ok. at 4 my mum found me and called my father down. and we had a family conference. i was shouting at my mum and she was shouting at me. in the end i managed to get my brother back into the house. but of course.. i got all the scoldings again. and was my brother ever grateful? no. he wasn't. did he get alot of scolding? no. only me. i got all the shit. this is no big problem rite? i mean. this doesn't count as something tat could make me dishearten of wateva rite. yupps.
PROBLEM 2 [recently]: u haf no idea wat i went thru for this. u haf no idea. i can't say wat happened. but let me tell u. on friday night 2 weeks ago. i was damn angry, crying, pissed off, my heart was breaking. and it wasn't because of love problems. it was something far from tat. i was very upset. nevamind. last wed. in skool i was sad and scared and slightly upset. but noone knew it but me.
u wanna talk abt coverage of feelings. u haf no idea. really. and i am not talking abt myself only. i noe tat now i am being unreasonable asking u to understand everyone's feelings and all tat. but if u actually knew. den u will noe.
i noe the past weeks i haf been irritable and all tat. it's cuz of prob 2. but now.. the prob has more or less been solved.. i am trying to stop the irrtability in me. but it's not easy. tat day after u said tat.. i didn't really show it. juz tat i looked slightly upset after a while. but wasn't tat much. and den in lit. was it my fault? seriously. was it mine? didn't i ask u first to discuss? and den u didn't say anything. and den i thought u were tinking. so ok. i tink also. den i came up wif some points. and i was going to discuss them when i saw tat u had done tat whole qn and gone on the next few. wat the hell was i supposed to feel?? fine. u wanted to do it urself. fine. den when ms pilo asked why we were not discussing.. u did ur usual breathing in deeply when u are irritated thing. i noe u. so i noe wat it means. so wat was tat trying to imply? tat it was my fault? tat i was not the one? nevamind. today. i was damn angry when she told me tat u didn't want to give in. give in? IS IT MY FAULT? seriously. really. is it my fault? if it is.. tell me how. and if really it seems to be my fault. den i am sorry.
but u haf no idea how much u hurt me.
Y 10:31 PM
i'm going to simpang.
i'm going to simpang.
i'm going simpang..
but i am kinda not hungry. hehs.
coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.
coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.coldturkey.
i tink it's working! =))
i suddenly want chicken
damn. it's not working.
Y 4:39 PM
hopes.wishes.dreams.stars.princesses.fairytales.they all haf something in common.
they are all hard to come true. they only come true for some.
those lucky some.
am i one of them?
Y 5:09 PM
i ate CHOC FUDGE BROWNIE today! whee..!okaes. i'm not going to pretend i am fine. in my opnion.. the world has spun off it's axis. everything is really wrong. but i will neva noe why it has turned out like this. i tink i am such a bad fren. i didn't even bother. i am sorry. truely. i am sorry.i tink i am missing u.i tink i want u back. but i noe i am not allowed. now i gotta go on a cold turkey operation.
but wat happens if i want chicken?I MISS YOU!but u are currently off limits.
i am sorry i was neva there.i am sorry i made u angry.i am sorry i hurt u.i am sorry i acted like u were neva there.i am sorry i neva tried.i am sorry i was so mean.i am sorry i was so cold-hearted.i am sorry for everything tat i did wrong.Y 3:47 PM
aye. everything is now all wrong. i dunno when is everything going to be rite. how did everything become upside down in juz less den a month. haiz. anywae.. i haf been in this irritated mood lately. like i will juz suddenly juz blow up. i dunno why. sorry if i blew up at u all. haiz. been really moody and confused. i wanna talk abt everything to someone.. but sometimes there's juz noone to talk to, to understand how i feel. even if there is a person.. i dunno how to convey how i feel or wat i tink. oh wells. yesterday.. wanted to cry.. but had to be strong. and den.. i became really angry wif her and myself. and i really didnt noe wat to do. i was juz.. lost.
Y 3:54 PM
