aye. valentine's day was just another day. yeps. nothing special.
big.
fat.
hairy.
deal.
and so i'm just another girl. another plaything.
yups. tat's who i am and tat's what i am.
boy do i feel special.

Y 12:47 AM

okaes. what am i feeling right now?

#1. stressed.
#2. infuriated.
#3. annoyed.
#4. confused.
#5. lost.
#6. irritated.
#7. fat.
#8. very fat.
#9. depressed.
#10. bored.

yeps. tat was my list for the top 10 feelings i'm feeling right now.

anyone has ice-cream to make me feel better?

Y 4:01 PM

Y 6:56 PM

i just dun understand. where did we go wrong? where did i go wrong? how did everything so right turn so wrong in a space of an hour or 2? it just hurts so bad. i noe i'm the one who told u to tat it would be much easier to choose ur church over me. but.. can i take it back?
i dun want to let u go. neither do i want u to let go of me. i'm being selfish. and i'm sorry. but i do miss u so. i'm angry. angry at myself. angry for falling for u hard in such a short time. angry for not knowing what i was getting myself into. angry that i can't be the understanding person u want me to be. i tried. believe me i tried. and this where i progressed so far.
i just dun understand. I DUN GET IT! christianity and catholicism. there is a diff and it's a small diff. they dun encourage u to haf relationships outside cuz they dun want u to be led astray. why will i want to do tat? i mean, i love u for who u are rather than what u're religion is. u love ur religion and so do i. i was born a catholic and raised as one. i studied and got my education in a catholic sch for 10 yrs. tat's why i want to stay in my church. i'm not making it very simple am i?
i'm sorry. i was just upset and angry.
maybe u're right. maybe it's better just to go our separate ways. i dunno.
i still dun understand. i guess i never will.
i just find it ironic that we both believe in the same god.. and yet, we can't be together cuz of the same god.
i guess i'm just being selfish.
i wanted to say "i love you" a long time ago. but i didnt think it was appropriate den.
i wanted to tell u that "i love you" tonight.
and i did. but i dunno if u heard.
i whispered it against ur lips.
this morning, u could say i was being silly or thinking too far ahead or whatever, but on the way to school i was planning. i was planning that when u go to army, that i will be the one who will always meet u when u come back from camp. that i will be the one sending u off to camp. that when ur birthday comes, i'll be the one planning it for u, celebrating it with u. these were the things i promised myself i would do for u. tonight, after spending the day with u, i wanted to break that silly promise i made to myself. abt being attached only after i reached 18. i wanted u so much.
i thought i could be strong and be the bigger person by letting u go so that it wouldnt make u so stressed out or guilty abt keeping this relationship secret. but i am really sorry. i couldnt. i really couldnt. i cant. maybe i'm not trying hard enough. but i just dun want to. when u told me abt it first at coffee bean, i started thinking. i think i even started preparing myself den to let u go. but.. during the movie onwards, i thought that maybe i didnt need to. maybe i didnt need to let u go after all. that was my assumption gone wrong.
i dunno what i aim to achieve by writing all these. but i had to let my feelings out somewhere. and this is where i thought it was best. i dun hope to make u feel guilty or angry or anything. i cant even start to hope that u would change ur mind cuz i noe u wont. this is just somewhere tat i can let my feelings out without actually venting it on someone.

Y 2:41 AM

okaes. i am pretty pissed. i wrote a LONG heartfelt post.

and LO BEHOLD! i got disconnected from the internet. and hence... it got deleted. haha. wth.

anywae. i hate like accounts. i DECLARE tat i absolutely hate DETEST love accounts. argh! YAY! i failed a 15% weightage paper. and now.. i gotta go for an EXTRA accounting lesson. KILL ME Celebrate!!! and some more it's on a monday. wow. congrats. i start at 9 and because of STUPID wonderful accounts.. i finish at 7.30. WOW!

-

haha. i am soo sarcarstic. haha. anywae. just came back from sch. stayed in school to practise french wif gabriel. hahaa. yay! i feel so accomplished. gabe and i managed to almost memorise everything. haha. but correct pronounciation is another thing la. but aiya. whatever la. haha. but i got a bad feeling that i'll forget everything tmr. HAHA. oops. =X

-

hmm. yesterday went to church wif glenn, my dear church buddy. haha. feel soo bad to him la. my parents MUM, kept asking him to drive everywhere. ARGH! she is soo irritating. so after we went to billy campbell's house, me and glenn went to marina to catch "The Illusionist". the starting was ok. the tricks were super cool. the ending was super nice. but in the middle was real draggy. haha. i couldnt sit still la. i kept moving in my chair. up down. left right. cross my legs left. cross my legs right. haha. and i noe glenn was fidgeting too. haha! halfway during the show, we started "fighting" with each other. and it was all GLENN'S fault. sheesh! older ppl are sooo immature. go figure. haha.

-

so anywae. after the movie, went to meet choon-sie. supposed to eat dinner. but the three of us smartly realised that NONE of us were hungry at all. soo.. glenn went home first while me and choon-sie shopped ard. haha. it was quite fun la. we walked ard the shops at marina.. den i WE decided to go to Wisma. so we took the bus. haha. choons entertained me by telling me a lizard and a number joke. haha. omgoodness. LUCKY i brought a jacket. HAHA! den he started telling me abt some pick-up lines. HAHA! some were super cute la. haha. so anywae. from Wisma, we went to Ngee Ann City. and choons found a shirt that was quite nice and he was happy with. haha.

-

so on the whole.. sunday was pretty much fun:)

-

with my mum's irritating requests to drive here and there; to "fighting" in the cinema; to choons RANDOM thoughts; to meeting weird ppl in town.

aye. the world is peaceful:)

Y 7:42 PM

Saturday, February 03, 2007

My prayer.

Dear Lord,

please help me. i feel lost. i noe i have so many wonderful people around me. but i juz dunno why i feel this way. :( why do i keep letting them down? why do i keep letting myself down? i noe wat are my flaws. i noe most of the things tat makes me a not very nice person. but why can't i haf the determination to right all of those things?

please lord..

give me the determination. help me. give me my sense of self. give me whatever moral values i haf left.

maybe it's cuz my mind goes into over-drive everytime. den please guide me. help me noe wat is right and what is wrong. and even when i do noe what is wrong, make me strong enough to right it.

why cant i be a nicer person?

why cant i be someone tat everyone can depend on?

why cant i be a faithful person?

why must i hurt the people i care abt?

why do i do things without thinking?.

why am i so self-centred?

i am very thankful for the people in my life. all the lovelies:) my family.

do look after them. as much as i love them and wish tat i could always be there for them, it's something tat i can't do very well. so do please look after every single one of them from where u are. :)

with love,

lou:)

okaes. i'm feeling slightly happier now. :)

tat's the beautiful power of saying a prayer.

it makes u feel better.

-

hmm. choon-sie was talking to me abt relationships.

i'm pretty much a let-down in relationships.

yeahs. suree. i love to haf a long-term relationship.

but.. i dun trust myself to haf one.

it makes me sad to noe that.

but it hurts more when u decide u really want to try, with the person u really liked.

but that special person didn't trust u when u said "i want to try."

and though u noe tat u could really put ur heart into tat relationship,

and really make things work, really see urself wif that special one,

the special one juz walks away.

the one to blame really, is myself.

-

haha. oh my. i'm sucha an emo potato.

must be the emo songs i'm listening to.

oh yes.

-

*To gabriel:

hey bum. i'm really sorry if i seemed angry. i tink it was the lack of sleep. but i guess i shldnt haf taken it out on u. i'm sorry ok? u're still my frenchie mate. and soon-to-be jappie mate. loves:)

Y 1:57 AM